The Pain of Monotony...

Well, it has certainly been a while since I have posted anything - in large part because I don't feel as though I have much going on worth posting about.

Understand me here - it is not as though I am unhappy with my life. I have far too much good in my life to be unhappy. In the three-and-a-half years since my wife and I have been married, a lot has been accomplished. I just have a hard time justifying a blog post that gives you updates when really what we are living is the same experience we were living the last time I posted.

Brittan and I continue loving each other (I know - good news, right?) more than anything in the world. I continue to work on my Master's degree, two classes at a time - basically, this means that there will be some actual news sometime before the end of 2010. I still love my job (Project Engineer over Transmission Line designs in case you didn't know) and the career opportunities that it lays down before me. Brittan is still a personal trainer - and a great one at that. I think our relationship has even gotten to the point where she might be able to train me.

Now back to the bit about the frustration of not having much to say about my life as it currently stands. I was really struck by the things I wish were different this Christmas, when I realized that the biggest news I had was a new LCD TV and a Blu-Ray player. I was really honestly excited about it (still am, actually). That bugs me to no end. By no fault of their own, many of my friends and co-workers have been, or soon will be, blessed with children in their respective families. To them, excitement is seeing the smiles on their children's faces on Christmas morning. I don't have that. WE don't have that.

This is a particularly difficult subject to discuss, you understand, because there are no words that anybody can say (particularly those who have children) that will make a person in my shoes feel better. Yes, I know we're still young. Yes, I know you have a friend that took eight years to have her first. Honestly? Do you think telling me to wait five more years is comforting? Especially for my wife, this is a very emotional subject. The sadness is always there, just under the surface, bubbling its way up. There have been good days and bad days, and hundreds of dollars in pregnancy tests.

I am not saying that we have no hope. Rather, what we have is a lack of patience. We live in Utah. Around here, even the people who aren't trying typically have a baby by their third year of marriage. Is it any wonder that our expectations have been skewed? I have to ask myself every Sunday if I really want to go to church and see all of the new babies that everybody else seems to be having. Brittan loathes church because of them.

The elephant in the room is the What is wrong with me? or the Where am I lacking? People like to tell you that if you keep doing the right things, you will be blessed - but that isn't always true. Sometimes the blessing never comes in this life. I happen to know that I don't have patience for that possibility. So, we are back to hope. Hope is what we cling to from day to day that ensures that we will not give up.

If there is one thing I have already learned from this experience, it is that I know that I will never give up on our posterity, even if they are testing my patience before they are conceived...Damn kids...